listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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