i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
