wanna go halves on a baby?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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