Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
