Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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