Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
