My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
