Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
