please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
is it fun? or sober?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
