you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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