You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
