he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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