I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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