do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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