I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
