You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
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