Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
