What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
