He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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