he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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