My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
