last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
