awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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