Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
