Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
