nut hugger
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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