u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
