I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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