Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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