Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
