Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
