That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
