Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.