I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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