i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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