I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
