so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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