No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
