I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
