The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
