the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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