1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
