Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
