worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
