i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
