there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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