At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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