I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
