I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
