I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
it's like iHOP with fire
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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