I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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