Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
