When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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