For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
