id be glad to
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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