I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
