She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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