Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
