i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
whose parrot is this?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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