2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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