omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
