she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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