Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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