yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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