ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
My ATM looks so different sober.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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