last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
