Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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