Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
